How To Get Out The Door With Your Keys And Stuff – New Video

In this second video on my YouTube channel, I continue to talk about transforming ADHD problems from the inside out. This time I got the question:

“Now I’ll get out of the door in time to be somewhere, but how do I make sure that I get out the door with everything I need having packed my bags, my keys in my pocket, my phone and whatever I need for that day?”

I answer the question in this video:

The transcript below is unedited, so if anything is unclear, you might need to see my hand gestures and facial expressions! ?

Hey there!

Anders from TransformingADHD.com here.

I wanted to just give you a quick update. I got a question after the first video on this channel about how. When you do transform your thinking about time so that you can get out of the door and be at a specific place at the right time. If you didn’t watch that video, do go see it, and. The question that I was given was: Well, now I’ll get out of the door in time to be somewhere, but how do I make sure that I get out the door with everything I need having packed my bags, my keys in my pocket, my phone and whatever I need for that day?

There’re a couple of ways to do this and I’ll go through them now. So, you probably know a lot of the strategies, the standard strategies for behavioral transformation that are out there. You’ll know that… you need to put everything that you need always in a little bowl right next to the door and… So, these things help, but they’re not a transformation from the inside out.

How do people who do this with ease, how do they do it? That’s what we’re gonna look at today. In our minds we have in our images we have thoughts, we have feelings and we have all these different things that support our daily procedures. One thing that people with successful strategies around coming out of the door, getting out of the door with everything in their pockets and what not.

One of the things they do so, strategy number one for transforming ADHD from the inside out with regard to coming, getting out of the door with everything you need. Strategy number one is… you want to create an image in your mind, so really what you want to do is getting everything that you need. So, say that you have a problem. So, we want to look at how to get out of the door with everything. If we’re looking at this as a transformation from the inside out, we need to figure out what kind of thought processes, what kind of emotional processes has to happen in order for you to have the behavior or do the behavior that you want to do.

In order for you to do this, something has to change. Like, normally, when you get to the door, you’re probably not be thinking about what you need to take with you so you’ll forget and you’ll walk out the door and maybe have your mind focused on something else.

There’re a couple of different strategies to change this problem. One is… strategy number one is… in your mind, you wanna create an image of you with all your stuff and you want that image to trigger at the right time. So, one way you can do that is to really… get in front of the door as if you’re ready to grab the handle of the door maybe even grab the handle of the door and in that image, so, I’m talking about a real physical photography, photo, that you have to get somebody to take of you.

In the image has to be you with your hand on the door, and in the other hand, it has to show everything that you want in your pockets when you walk out the door. So, the principle here is… that you wanna make absolutely sure that the image shows you having all your stuff with you on your way out the door.

Now, then you need to print that picture and put it somewhere where you can start memorizing it slowly or fast if you’re good at memorizing. So, specifically, you might even wanna hang it on the inside of the door, overlapping in some way so that you actually see it a lot of times when you get to the door. If you get to the door and you see that photography, your mind will go “Alright! That’s what I want to look like when I walk out the door”.

Does that make sense to you? I hope it does. And… this video is getting a little bit long, so I think I’ll wait with strategy number two and other strategies for a later video.

So, hang on in there! If you have a tendency to forget things when you’re walking out the door, do have somebody take a photo of you. If you don’t have anybody to take photos of you, take it yourself and… put you and everything you need to have when you walk out the door in that photography and hang that on the inside of the door and you’ll be set in no time.

I hope you have fun with this and I hope it gives you kind of inside into how we can transform our thinking, we can transform ADHD from the inside out and create different strategies that won’t have you, that won’t have you struggling to make a transformation because the transformation comes from the inside out, instead of outside in which is the harder route.

So… let me know in the comments how you put this strategy into play.

Have a great day,

Anders.

ADHD: How To Manage Time From The Inside Out – Video

Just recently I started a Youtube Channel called (no surprise!) Transforming ADHD.

This was my first video.

If you don’t see the video, click here.

The transcript below is unedited, so if anything is unclear, you might need to see my hand gestures and facial expressions! 🙂

Hi, guys! Anders Ronnau from TransformingADHD.com here.

If you have trouble or if your child has trouble with time, time-issues, being in a certain place in the right time and so on in this video, I’m gonna give you insights into what’s going on in your mind, in your cognition and I’ll give you an example of how you can not only remedy this but transform what’s going on there in your mind from the inside out.

So… as you see, I do things a little bit differently here. I don’t work so much with the behavioral transformation because I do believe that any transformation has to come from inside out to be really effective. What you learn is that when transformation comes from the inside out, is really easy to follow through on and when the transformation has to go from the outside in, as you know, it’s a really hard struggle, most of the time.

So, what I want to show you is… … when we transform the way we think about time and understand time in our minds, things are gonna be so different that we can’t NOT act differently.

So, the case study that I wanna talk you about is from one of my very first clients specifically my first client with the ADHD diagnosis. I’m a coach. I work with children from six years old and into their mid- s is the range I’ve been working in and… so, this client comes in. He’s years old he’s newly diagnosed, and he has trouble being on time always. You may know this from yourself or from your child or whatever, not being on time gives you… kind of gives you a lot of stress and it may harm your relationships in a number of different ways. So…

So, the guy comes in, my client comes in and he is… … he explains that he wanna be at his training session at o’ clock in the morning and usually, he leaves the house something like ten minutes before and it takes him minutes to get there, so he’s rarely on time. Sometimes, he even leaves at ! So, he leaves when he has to be there instead of leaving so he can be there on time. So, what he wants to do what I asked him about was “How do you think about time?” like, “how do you attempt to get out of the door in the way that you want to get out of the door”. And he starts waving his hands like this. He’s saying: “Well, I need my bag and I need to be at the club and I gotta get a bike and I need my socks and my clothes and…” And he’s waving his arms, pointing in all different directions and that immediately tells me that not only is he not very well organized, but it explains why even when he’s motivated to be on time, it’s still incredibly difficult for him. Because, if your cognition is… has like a random set up of things that you need to remember, then it’s really difficult. So, if you think about people who’s got their shit together, who knows about time and it’s always on time, if you realize or think about how they gesture, you’ll know that they’ll be doing like this. “Then I do this, and then I do this, and then I do this, and then I do this” so, in a way, they’re really showing what’s going on in their cognition is a very straight line process where everything’s in order.

If you do like this… things are not in order. It’s very chaotic, it’s random and you won’t really be sure that you got everything with you or that you’re on time and when not. So, I work with this client, and after… three sessions and when he comes back in for the fourth session, he comes in and says: “Well, I needed to be there at , so, that’s , here”. And he points! He says it pointing. So he points and he says: “Well, I wanted to check in minutes before, so I could go and get on my bike and I wanted to change my clothes before that, not after. So, before that, I take about five minutes so, I need to be there at the gym minutes before . The trips. The trip from door to door takes me minutes, so, I need to leave my house, walk out the door, before reaching where I’m going before o’ clock, right?”

And then he was like “And last time, we talked about packing my bag and I wasn’t sure how long it was gonna take so I did it the night before. So…

This is an example of an incredibly flexible and really perfect way of thinking about time. So, it’s all structured, he has everything laid out and he’s flexible enough to change his thinking about when to pack the bag. And instead of going “Oh, minutes before…” “Oh, damn! I have to pack my bag!” He has set off time aside and realized that that doesn’t look like enough time. He wanted to make absolutely sure that minutes before he was walking out the door, so he changed his timeline or what was on the timeline to incorporate him having everything in place and ready to go out the door minutes before .

So, this is an example of transforming ADHD from the inside out. When you do this transformation, it’s really easy to be on time. It’s really easy to get the logistics right and have everything ready in your bag at the right time.

I hope this give you some kind of insight into what’s going on, and also, specifically, what it means to have something transformed from the inside out.

I’m gonna be talking a lot more about that on this channel and hope that, if you liked this video, if you’re curious, if you got anything out of it, please, do give it a thumbs up and… subscribe on the button right beneath. So…

Also, please, if you’re interested in more about this, go to TransformingADHD.com and I’ll keep you updated on everything about transforming ADHD from the inside out.

African American boy on grey background

ADHD: 3 Ways Parents Can Avoid Being The Source Of Your Child’s Negative Inner Dialogue

The client was a woman was in her mid-twenties with the ADHD diagnosis. Her studies were not going well. She was failing courses, not attending classes, not handing in homework, etc. And while she really wanted to do all these things, it was like she couldn’t do it. She was bright, intelligent and loved her studies.

She complained about her insecurities, fear and self hate.

We tried to power up her motivation, so she could do the right things at her school. But it was obvious that there was something else in the way. While working, I had noticed a pattern in the way she moved. Every time she said something positive or expressed hope or any type of direction or goal setting, she would twitch her head ever so slightly forward.

When I mirrored back to her what I saw, and asked what was happening with the head, she started crying.

The young woman realized at that moment what was going on. It was as if her father was standing right behind her, telling her to stop dreaming. And he was giving her a whack on the back of the head every time she had any kind of positivity in her. She could physically feel his presence and the blows to her head.

That was why she had been twitching her head. And that was why she was unable to make any kind of progress that mattered to her in her life.

But how did he make his way into her head like that? And how can you avoid being the source of this kind of negative inner dialogue in your differently wired child’s mind?

The Origin of Negative Inner Dialogue

Inner dialogue is normal and completely healthy. The only reason why it may come across as strange is really that we don’t realize that we all have it – and because we don’t talk about it very much.

We all hear voices in our heads. How ever else can you be thinking: “I wonder how I got my own negative inner dialogue?” Or maybe you’re thinking: “Wow, now it makes sense.” Either way it comes from a voice inside your head.

We normally just call them thoughts.

Negative inner dialogue is what happens when parts of your personality have something to say. Parts of your personality are interesting “creatures” in the sense that they can take on any form or function that it wishes. This means that parts of your personality can literally be a devil and an angel. Most often they are just different expressions of your own younger personality. They can be expressed as important people in your life, and most people have the voices of their mother and father inside their minds.

What you’ll notice is that your thoughts have different qualities when you are excited or sad, when you are proud of yourself or when you are mad at yourself. Those are four different parts of your personality speaking to you in your mind.

Once again, they are normal and part of having a healthy mind. You may want to shut some of them up, but they are really there to help you. They may not be helping you, but they are trying.

So where do they come from?

Imagine being a small girl who just started school. You are a happy girl and you have a rich imagination and you love to share what’s on your mind. You love your mom and dad.

But to other people you come across as unfocused and chatty. You talk a lot – about everything else but homework.

Your dad does not have any insights or tools to help you, so he scolds you, tells you that you are going to be a loser if you don’t focus. To help you focus on your home work, he stands behind you and gives you a gentle whack to bring you back to what’s important. Every time you loose focus!

Every time you have one of those happy thoughts that your imagination serves you!

You hate the experience, and it feels like you are being punished and like you are losing your fathers love. Why else would he be hitting you for doing what you love to do?

So in order for you to avoid being whacked on the back of the head by your dad, you incorporate a “dad” part into your subconscious to help whack you from the inside, – so that your real dad doesn’t have to do it!

This is of course a poor strategy, because the inner as well as the outer whack only comes when you have already lost focus to your imagination. But it helps enough that dad doesn’t hit you anymore, and the coping strategy worked “enough” for you to commit it to the subconscious.

All this happens subconsciously. A mental coping strategy has been created and will continue to “help” the girl as long as she has something to focus on and an imagination that likes to serve up funny things. Which means forever.

Unless you change it. I’ll get back to the changing part. Right now I want you to understand what is going on, and how to avoid causing your child to create a lot of negative inner dialogues.

3 Ways You can avoid being the source of your childs negative inner dialogue

Working with clients they often remember very distinct situations that we the source of the negative inner dialogue. Sometimes these situations were part of the daily ritual, like home work in the client story above.

Your primary job is to steer clear of those situations, and find ways to express your values in action in the kindest and most accepting way.

  1. Stop Scolding You Child
    • It’s not a bug surprise that scolding is not only ineffective, but also harmful in the long run. Stop it. Acknowledge that he is really trying his very best, even when it doesn’t look and feel like it. He doesn’t have good mental strategies for handling the situation *yet*.
    • Then start working with your child instead of against your child. When you give your child a full voice, he’ll be able to hear yours as well. And you’ll be surprised at how good he soon becomes at finding solutions when he realizes that you listen. It’s called the coaching approach that you can learn in Transformational Parenting.
  2. Don’t Blame Your Child
    • Do you ever ask “Why …?” questions? They are received universally as a personal attack and as a way of throwing blame around. Start there. Don’t ask why questions. Don’t look for reasons. Accept that he has a positive intention that drives him – and that you don’t understand it *yet*.
    • Instead look for motivation. What was your child trying to make happen? What was he hoping that would happen? Then listen and find ways to help him understand the situation and/or make the right things happen in a better way.
  3. Never Degrade Your Child
    • When a parent degrades a child by name-calling or letting the child know that it’s a failure in the parent’s eyes, it sticks to the child’s self worth like lint to velcro. It takes forever to get off.
    • Instead find ways to uplift your child’s self worth in every way possible. Not only by praise, but primarily by letting your child know that you see him, you love him for who he is, and that you understand that he is trying his very best. Help him keep trying and be motivated by trying even when it’s not working.

What if the damage is already done?

Since you are reading this article on this homepage, the damage is most likely already done. Very few will be able to help their complex child grow into a harmonious young person without getting irritated, frustrated or angry. And most likely words have been said, that were regretted moments later.

All that makes an impact on the child. And we’ve all done it.

I can see it on my daughters. In fact some of their patterns we can trace back to very distinct situations. And we are confident that we’ll be able to help them get through those patterns and build very constructive patterns to substitute for the old ones as they grow older and more aware and conscious.

Becoming aware that damage is being done is the first step.

The second sted is to understand that there are thousands of parts to every personality. Most of them are just fine or even great.

We want more of the great ones, so the third step is to start helping the child produce supporting, motivating, uplifting, powerful parts that will eventually help the child succeed in life.

Creating Positive Inner Dialogue

Positive inner dialogue is created just like negative inner dialogue. By exposure to positive reinforcement from people who really mean it. And for the child to understand that this is special.

You can think of parts creation as something that mostly happens when the child is in a new situation, a surprising situation or some other situation that will stick in their memory. You might be able to think back on some of the pivotal moments in your life, those moments that were course corrections in your life.

Those are the ones that you want to create.

When I got down on my knees with my girl (who had lied to me), looked her in the eyes, and told her with power in my voice that I loved it when she told me the truth, – in that moment – I am positive that she created a part of her personality that sets the truth to a high standard.

I could see the shift in her eyes – and in her behavior afterwards.

Transforming Inner Dialogue

Negative Inner Dialogue, like Positive Inner Dialogue, is a subconscious coping strategy. The problem is that this particular coping strategy is no longer working correctly.

We normally don’t *just* change and transform our subconscious coping strategies. Of course we normally don’t *just* change any of our coping strategies, – that’s why there are thousands of books written on the subject.

But through conscious work, with the power of externalization and metaphors, which I have written about here and here, we can transform even the most evil, condescending, depleting, self hating inner dialogues.

If you have a child with negative inner dialogue, and you are interested in getting the insights and tools to help your child, then read through the archive of articles, – or get on the mailing list so you know when my new course Transformational Parenting is out.

Action Points

To start helping your child produce positive inner dialogue, start by figuring out what that inner dialogue should be saying.

Then start embodying the quality of that inner dialogue in your own actions and interactions with your child.

And when the child embody the quality, make sure that you make it absolutely clear that you value your child and his actions. So clear that he will never forget the moment, when you let him know that the part of him that creates this kind of behavior is fantastic.

And when he exhibits the opposite traits, find a way to honor the parts of him that are struggling to do the right thing.

What parts of your child will you be bringing out?

Let me know in the comments!

And do share this article on social media, if you found it valuable.

Have a great day,

Anders.

Closeup Headshot side view Portrait Angry Child Screaming, fists up in air. Expressing Anger, Rage. Transforming ADHD

ADHD: Transforming Anger In Your Child From The Inside Out

The Boy With Anger Inside

One of my very first clients with the ADHD diagnosis back in 2007 was an 8-year-old boy. When he and his mother came to see me for ADHD Coaching, he could only focus for 20-second stints. He was threatening in his communication and behavior at home. And he told me about how he threatened other children in the schoolyard when they were after him.

It took me three sessions to gain his trust enough that I could work with him. In that fourth session, he stayed overtime to finish a drawing that expressed something inside of him that he really needed to show me. He had drawn a stick figure with a high hat, big boots, and a gun.

He said: “This is Mr. Stupid.” He didn’t get that name from being stupid, but because the boy thought that Mr. Stupid did stupid things. The boy didn’t like Mr. Stupid, and he could tell me in detail how Mr. Stupid would make him do things that he didn’t want to do. And that Mr. Stupid was the angry one, not the boy.

When Parts Of Our Personality Messes With Us

We all have parts of our personality.

  • One part of us wants us to eat better and another part of us wants to eat anything that will make us feel good right away.
  • One part of us wants to achieve lofty goals and another part of us wants to watch some more TV.
  • One part of us wants to talk nicely to our children at all times and knows that that is the way to go for both child and family, yet sometimes another part of us takes over and “makes” us do things that we are not aligned with how we want to be as parents.

This is normal. We all have it, but not many of us are aware of this fact, even though it comes out in our language all the time.

Apparently Mr. Stupid was the part of the boy that would make him do stupid things when he felt challenged, and he would make sure that the boy gave an “appropriate” response.

His mother had brought him to me, hoping that I could help the boy change his behavior, not knowing that we would be transforming his anger too.

Externalizing Our Emotions

When I had the boy draw the anger and what was happening inside of him, I was using a methodology called Externalization. The name comes from Narrative Therapy although I use it with the NLP understanding of how our minds are structured.

Externalization is a way for us to talk to the boy about what’s going on inside of him without talking to him like he is at fault for everything. And it’s a way for the boy to easily communicate about what is going on inside of him in much richer detail than we normally experience.

It is a way to talk about the Anger with the boy instead of talking about the Angry boy, and it makes a world of difference for both the boy and the parent/therapist.

You do this by externalizing the anger, – making it the third thing in the room, pretending that it’s as real as the boy. Because to the boy, it is.

Is Vs. Has

That way I could talk to the boy about his relationship with Mr. Stupid because the boy IS NOT Mr. Stupid. The boy HAS Mr. Stupid INSIDE of him, – just like he has hundreds of other parts of his personality in there. And Mr. Stupid is responsible for that specific anger reaction, so it was Mr. Stupid, we had to have a good discussion with.

This is where the beauty of externalization comes in. Having framed it so that Mr. Stupid has the anger, I can have a sensible conversation with the boy about the anger, about Mr. Stupid. And that’s the basis for the transformation.

And as I have written about here, there’s almost always an opposing part that wants to do something else. In this case, the boy could tell me that there was Little Nerd that wanted to be a good boy. But Little Nerd wasn’t very cool or very attractive to be, so he always lost in the inner power struggle between Mr. Stupid and Little Nerd.

Transforming The Externalized

The boy ended up first transforming Little Nerd into an attractive superhero-like character Mr. Cool before he transformed Mr. Stupid into Mr. Awesome that became friends with Mr. Cool. Now instead of having a super-dominating “negative” part and a boring “positive” part of his personality, he had two positive and energized friends that he could use to create a new way of behaving in and outside of school.

He changed his behavior so dramatically that his mother wanted to have their psychiatrist take away the four diagnoses the boy had. The psychiatrist didn’t believe it, so she refused even though his teachers confirmed this transformation in behavior. You can read more about him in the TransformingADHD Manifesto here.

The transformation of Little Nerd and Mr. Stupid happened through a series of drawings sessions and conversations which took us most of 10 sessions. All of the conversations were about what the boy wanted to change in inside himself. Only when the boy realized that I wasn’t trying to mess with his mind or force him into a different behavior pattern, did he trust me enough that we could do the transformational work. In the Transformational Parenting course, I’m going through more details and case studies with externalization and helping children draw out their own transformation.

The Speed Of Transformation

Even though this transformation took several sessions, the results came so fast, made permanent shifts in the boy and did not demand a lot of work from the boy outside the sessions, that I feared it was a one-off. But these results have been consistent with children where I have been able to gain their trust and where they have enjoyed the metaphorical work with parts of their personality, etc.

And yet 9 years later I am still amazed every time it happens.

What do you think about this way of addressing the mind?

What are your biggest challenges when it comes to anger/rage?

And what do you think, this method can do for you?

Have a great and inspired day,

Anders.

PS: If you know other parents with children with the ADHD diagnosis, you know parents who need to know more about handling and transforming anger and ADHD. Share this article with them using the buttons below. 🙂

Ants in my pants – and how to get rid of them for good

“It’s as if there are 1000 large green ants inside my legs.”

I was coaching a teenager who had a hard time sitting still with his legs.

Or – as he put it – it was impossible for him to sit still with his legs.

He had tried every possible way to get the legs to stop moving all the time. To no avail.

While he and I had worked our way through his first problem in record time, his legs where in constant motion. When we wrapped up that first problem, I asked him what happened down in the legs – inside the legs.

He told me that it was like there were 1,000 large green ants crawling around down there.

Communicating With the Subconscious Mind

The ants were of course a metaphor for how the boy’s mind could best describe the experience. It turns out that when you accept that metaphor, you are in effect having a conversation with the boy’s subconscious mind. And when you do that, things can change incredibly fast.

If you are willing to accept that whatever comes out of the mouth of other people as what is actually going on inside of them, you get a magnificent insight into what is causing their inappropriate behavior. My client’s words was an expression of what is experienced inside the parallel reality where our thoughts and feelings and mental images live.

Taking the metaphor at face value,  great things happen.

Accepting the Metaphor

I asked the boy what he would like to have happen to the ants.

“I just want them out of the legs,” he said.

“In what way out of legs,” I asked.

“Like completely out, – as if they were let out through a small hatch in the front of the big toe,” he replied, pointing to the right big toe, which was sitting still despite the movement of the leg.

I also pointed to his right big toe and said, “If you imagine a small hatch in the front of the big toe, what is it like to let the ants out?”

The boy looked puzzled down on the big toe. The right leg stopped moving. Only the right. “It is strange.”

“In what way strange?” I asked. Also puzzled – but mostly because only one of the legs had calmed down.

“All the ants have gathered out on the floor now.”

“All? What about those in the left leg,” I asked.

“Oh well, they didn’t come out. We have to get them out as well.”

“In what way do you want to let them out?”

“Perhaps through a hatch in the left big toe.”

“Good idea. What is it like to let them all out that way?”

“Wild!” he said and laughed. Now with both feet firmly planted on the floor.

Yes. Wild!

And maybe just a little bit crazy…

Why We Get Ants In Our Pants

Our beautiful, strange brains may be hard to understand sometimes, and in this case when the boy started elementary school he had had a hard time being “tied” to a chair. Part of him just wanted to go out and play. So part of his subconscious mind had tried in every possible way to get him up from the chair and out of the room. Another part of him wanted to be well behaved, so he sat still in his seat trying to ignore the part of him that wanted to get out and play.

And so the inner battle started between the part of him that wanted to get out and the part of him that wanted to stay. In this case, the part of him that wanted to get out became an inner experience of having ants in his legs. The experience may only have become ants after an adult used the expression to describe his behavior.

And when you have ants in your legs, you move around.

Work With What Comes From the Child

When you hear your child use a metaphor, what you have to do is just accept it at face value.

“Oh, your home work is killing you?” “In what way is homework killing you?”

“Did you say that your thoughts are spinning around?” “Which way are they spinning?”

I promise you that you’ll have interesting conversations with your child, and that you’ll learn things about the way he thinks that you never knew about.

Of course your child may not accept that you are headed into metaphor land with him. Then just let it go for now. And catch another metaphor some other time.

Transforming ADHD Through Metaphors

The ADHD diagnosis is based on unwanted behavior, and most often people try to have the child change the behavior first. However for every unwanted behavior there’s one or more underlying inner experiences that makes the child act inappropriately.

These are the experiences that we need to get to and change, in order to transform ADHD into an asset. We do this easily by getting to the metaphors that drive the behavior.

It is so much easier to change the metaphors (thoughts and emotions), when we want to change the behavior. Then behavior that has not budged previously can be changed from the inside out instead.

Now over to you

What are some metaphors that your child is using about what is going on inside of him or her?

If you are inspired by this article, please share it on social. There are great links for that below. ?

Have a great day!

Anders.

PS: If you are a parent and want more tools that work with your child, then get access to the free Transformational ToolBox – a series of tools that will help you get started Transforming ADHD with your child.